Clearly bored to tears of judging celebrities on their fatness, lack of fatness, hair, lack of hair, bikini bodies, wobbly knees, tan lines, surgery scars, pregnancy fashion sense and all sorts of other things in between, in the last year The Daily Mail, during an editorial meeting chaired by men and some sadly deluded and complicit women (please come back to the sisterhood, we will forgive you, honest) decided they needed to identify a new area of the female form to attack.

They did this, of course, so that they could rest assured that no woman could ever feel 100% happy in her body and that even if she had gotten over hairiness shame, cellulite shame, bingo wing shame, under-boob shame or any other form of gutter press-manufactured shame, she would be forever kept on her (ugly) self-hating toes.  This, of course, enables them to keep the cycle of horrible articles going and of course keeps professional troll Samantha Brick in cash to enable her to take Pascal for afternoon quickies in French country hotels.

Woman! Cover thyself and remove that disgusting sideboob from our sight/site. By the way, where did you get that faaahbulous dress?

So now we must all be ever vigilant in case of a side boob slip-up.  It’s a bad thing apparently, so have people see the side of your boob. No, I don’t know why.  Previously it was just … some skin?

Apparently it’s absolutely fine for me to have to see some men’s hairy arse cracks as they perform manual labour tasks, or you know, are just walking about the place, but for some reason they’re not singled out in newspapers with red rings of shame around them. No, that’s just for us women and our disgusting side boobs and hirsute vaginas.

And on that subject, you know what?  Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t half come out with some rubbish but when she said it was all a bit 1970s downstairs* I felt like clapping. Same here sister, and I’m not getting no wax for no one. Unless that someone is me and I feel like it. Because I can’t be fecked and no one is going to be shaming me into it – because I’m simply not ashamed. I also have cellulite and all those other things the papers and tab-mags want to attack women for but bizarrely I seem to be somehow not a monster after all.

Me and my sideboob, hairy legs and arse dimples call bullshit on the whole thing.

*she has since taken this back. Well feck her anyway.