I’ve never seen an episode of the Kardashians wotsits – swear – but I did happen to accidentally allow the information to fall past my eyes and enter my ears that Kris Kardashian – I think she’s the ma or something – only has black jacks roll, all the better to match the furnishings in her entirely monochrome gaff.

Not only is this patently sick and wrong, it also reminded me of another fame-crazed madser who is a similar subscriber to the I-can’t-see-if-I’ve-wiped-properly school of toilet paper.

Simon Cowell.

So, if you too would like to be a narcissistic nutter then it seems clear that the way to kick-start the process is with the purchase of some bogroll the colour of midnight. Happily, I have sourced a stockist, so your transformation can begin immediately.

A three-pack special edition in classy and stylish black from luxury toilet roll company Renova costs €9.73 – so best cut back on that two litres of water a day habit, eh?

Testimonials on review websites attest that the product is “clear quick accurate” and “quick and effective.”

Good to know.