Because Kan-yeeee and Givenchy designer Ricardo Tisci are bestest buds, that meant that Kim Kardashian was graciously bestowed with one of the warrior-meets-tribal gowns from last week’s Paris Fashion Week show, a whole six months ahead of schedule.

Thing is, Kim, voluptuous of figure as she is, tends to look best in what she wears most often: those tight pencil skirt ‘n top combos which accentuate her hips and make the most of her bust, which is clearly ample. So she’s kinda bustin’ out all over in this guna, designed for someone with the equivalent of raisins on a chopping board, and not Kardashian-style Knockers.

While I’d be very frowny normally of anyone being told to cover their cleavage – eh they’re boobs people, not scary spiders, in which case kill them with fire – I really do think Kim needs to 1. download the entire Maeve Binchy oeuvre to her Kindle with the quickness and 2. learn a bit about modesty panels.

Benny from Circle of Friends modesty panels

Benny can teach you much, young Padawan. Such as, how to hide your breasticles until you’re out of the gaff/away from the paps, and then get them out again. She can’t, by the way, tutor you in any way, shape or form on the Irish accent, but we can’t have everything in life. Sigh.

Panels, beaten

  • Chemisettes are precisely the sort of item you will find in a JML catalogue and are slips of fabric that clip to your bra so no one sees you are a woman.
  • Camibands, by contrast, are stretchy lace tubes that can be employed to cover up the boobage and also to lengthen a short top. Which is quite clever really.