there’s a world of difference between a low-slung pony and two pigtails, giddily bouncing around like a pair of excitable, overgrown children

There are many things that grind my gears and if you know me, you’ll know I’m fond of a rant – so here goes. Kant kope hun xxx

Women under 5ft 2″ who wear their petite stature like a badge and smugly harp on about their daintiness – like it’s something every female should aspire to – are up there. As are selfies where the subject says inane things like “I’m bored”, as they pose and pout. Equally irritating are men who think women shouldn’t drink pints (they were probably raised by a “dainty” woman).

But the thing that really sends me into a spin is the sight of a grown woman wearing pigtails.

Now, I’m very partial to a plait or a ponytail myself, but there’s a world of difference between a low-slung pony resting nonchalantly below the collar and two pigtails, giddily bouncing around like a pair of excitable, overgrown children.

And the reason why? Well, the description above is more than sufficient but I believe it all boils down to two things – Fashion’s obsession with the singular and women who believe the key to eternal youth is to channel looks from their childhood.

You see everything in fashion is described in the singular sense, even things that come in pairs like shoes, trousers and lips. They may essentially be the same thing but when you describe a pair of humble black office trousers (plural) as a black trouser (singular), they suddenly evoke images of a French lady wearing lashings of black eyeliner, enveloped in a plume of cigarette smoke. Instantly a lot more chic, non?

And that’s before we even broach the subject of pigtails being cute and the associated relationship with youth. I don’t understand it but it does compute that some girls think looking cute is an attractive quality. In a Lolita inspired way.

You are also feeding into the downright gross sexy schoolgirl fantasy

But listen up ladies – ‘cute’ should be reserved to describe kittens, baby booties and miniature cupcakes only, not hairstyles. If you really want to look younger, trying to look like a child is not the way to go about it.

Just like dressing up like a schoolgirl at Halloween only serves to highlight the fact that you haven’t worn a uniform in double digits, wearing pigtails ironically only serves to highlight that you are in fact not a child, but a grown woman trying to look younger. And that you are also feeding into the downright gross sexy schoolgirl fantasy.

If you really want to turn back time, investing in a really good eye-cream is the way to go about things. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always Botox…