This isn’t what you think. You might read “sexy accessories” and think we’re going down a 50 Shades route (perhaps in some way related to my previous sex toy post, oo-er) but no: what I mean here is accessories that men will find sexy.

This is a tougher minefield to navigate than you might think. What I think are incredible – in terms of glitz, I think size matters, and attractiveness to the opposite sex is never high up on my jewellery-buying priority list – are items that men consider bonerkillers.

Take, for example, my incredible T-Rex necklace from Your Eyes Lie. While men claim that they enjoy my slightly boyish taste in movies (Jurassic Park, obvs, Star Wars, Stargate, aka the best film ever made and bonus: still-hot James Spader), they do not enjoy my quirky taste in movie-related accessories. And don’t even get me started on my Ewok outfit.

So here are my top five rocks for, y’know, getting your rocks off. Disclaimer: this is not a guarantee. If you spend your date talking about TOWIE, moustache bleaching and the Kardashians, no amount of sexessories are going to help you.

1. Topshop’s premium rhinestone necklace, £32

This is the kind of necklace (above) I would wear with a simple black top, with some very devious thoughts behind it, namely: that it points to my breasts and, with a little imagination, further down towards my garden of earthly delights. It’s cool – but not too cool – and colourful, and will jazz up an otherwise plain, I’m-not-really-feeling-this-whole-cleavage-thing outfit. Win-win.

River Island’s gemstone cord necklace

2. River Island’s gemstone cord necklace, £12

For some reason, men of my acquaintance enjoy statement jewellery – especially when it is multi-coloured. (What they don’t enjoy are Joanne Hynes collars, much to my chagrin, or the aforementioned dinosaurs.) I think the multi-coloured-ness is just on the right side of “girly”, and they like the fact that you look dressed up. I know because I wore a similar necklace on Prime Time (gratuitous plug) and a man I am interested in sexing sent me a message to say he liked it. See? Evidence.

Silver flying paper pendant, €44 at Your Eyes Lie

3. Silver flying paper pendant, €44 at Your Eyes Lie

I have this pendant in a gold variation, and I can tell you, unequivocally: men love this. It seems to remind them of their misspent youths, which they then assume you shared (I, personally, was neither interested in nor talented at the creation of paper aeroplanes, but they don’t need to know that). It’s a good conversation piece, ie, “wow that’s really unusual let’s immediately start making out”. It’s pricey, mind you, but unlike Topshop’s “premium” necklace, this is real, actual, bona fide silver.

Niza Huang’s Crush statement ring in gold

4. Niza Huang’s Crush statement ring in gold, €280

This hand-finished 22 carat gold plated ring by Niza Huang, a London-based jewellery designer (with all items manufactured in the UK, avoiding tricky Eastern labour questions) is great because (a) it’s really cool and (b) it doesn’t look like an engagement ring. Top tip: avoid anything that looks like “love” jewellery. So that means no heart-shaped pendants, no diamond rings, no charm bracelets covered in hearts and kisses. As an aside, I once bought myself a heart-shaped pendant. When my mother saw it she said: “Oh that’s lovely, where did you get it?” “I bought it myself in A¦Wear,” I replied (I know, I’m such a big spender). There was a pause and then she muttered, “pathetic”. Nice, mum, nice.

Paris Metro cuff

5. Designhype’s Paris Metro cuff, £14 at Fab

Now for some delightful gender profiling: men (some men) like maps. Men (some men) like typography and cool design. This Designhype cuff ticks all of those boxes, and would also come in handy should he whisk you away to Paris at some stage. Important: do not suggest that while wearing this cuff as you will seem calculating and desperate. But, like Your Eyes Lies’ paper aeroplane necklace, it’s a great conversation-starter. And we all know where conversation leads. Don’t we?