Fun fact: my father once asked me if I could walk in a pair of shoes I’d just bought, in a disapproving fashion. I replied: “No, but I can lie down in them.” He has yet to forgive me
Eh, heads up: the candy bracelets are detachable! Detachable!
My foray into ridiculous footwear began a couple of years ago, perhaps with those Stella McCartney wedges that – at the time of purchase – I absolutely loved (I have since accepted that they are too heavy and too high for wearing). Things continued with a pair of Alexander Wang boots (unwalkable), Miu Miu’s A/W booties (ditto) and then, on a smaller (financial) scale, chunky super-high heels from Asos and Topshop.
The thing is, it actually no longer matters to me whether or not I can walk in the shoes I buy. I know, I know; it’s ridiculous – I wouldn’t buy a skirt that wouldn’t allow my legs to move, or a top I couldn’t breathe in – but shoes, to me, have become elevated to artforms. I’m happy to gaze at them; I buy them because I love them, not because I expect them to serve some sort of purpose in my life.
I own shoes that serve as bookends, or decorations on an otherwise boring shelf – and were I to consider adding to my collection, I might start with the following.
- Kron by KRONKRON’S multi-coloured platform heels, €450 at Kronkron
I was in Iceland last year with Mother Dearest and I dragged her into the KRONKRON store in an attempt to guilt her into buying me a pair of their incredible Icelandic shoes. Did it work? No, it did not – but I have thought about those shoes at least twice monthly ever since. At €450, their designs don’t come cheap, but they are seriously amazing. Would I wear them? It’s unlikely, because they’re so multi-coloured and, y’know, high. But they’d look great next to my Penguin classics.
- Asos’s PLAY platforms, €74.13
These platforms have a 6-inch heel, which is patently ridiculous (who, except Victoria Beckham, can function in even the most basic way wearing 6-inch heels?) but they are incredible and remind me of some kind of fancy architectural design and / or typography (cool architecture and typography are very close to one another in my child’s brain). These would look very good on a shelf alone, as a standalone decoration. Or, y’know, as car to bar shoes. (Fun fact: my father, God bless him, once asked me if I could walk in a pair of shoes I’d just bought, in a disapproving fashion. I replied: “No, but I can lie down in them.” He has yet to forgive me.)
- Topshop’s Lita mock croc platforms, £58/€One Billion
These are amazing on so many levels. First (and foremost), they look like 1970s hooker heels (if they were modern hooker heels they’d have Perspex; in the 1970s hookers wore platforms and listened to Abba). Secondly, they are the most beautiful rich duck egg blue colour that I have ever seen on a shoe. That excellent description is just in case you can’t see just how stunning they are with your very own eyes. Also? £58. Totally worth investing in them as decorations.
- Zara’s suede leather high heel platform, €69.95
More stripper heels courtesy of Spanish superstore, Zara. As someone who used to work in Zara I can tell you honestly that Zara’s shoes and accessories are not the best made shoes and accessories in the world. (That is not defamation because, like Carlsberg’s ads, I am merely saying that they are not the best. Probably not even close to the best, in fact.) These heels, it is more than likely, are incredibly uncomfortable and make walking akin to tottering on hot coals. Still, they look cool. Imagine lighting a candle next to these babies on your dresser! Imagine.
- Charlotte Olympia’s Sweet Dolly pumps, €725 at Net-a-Porter (and top pic)
Honestly, who would wear these? Who could wear these? (Except the aforementioned Beckham.) I used to have a real obsession with candy bracelets. It wasn’t that I wanted them, per se, it was that I was fascinated and slightly repulsed by the idea that you would wear them all day and slowly eat the candies off them, one by one. Wouldn’t they get really dirty? What if you had to scratch your nose and one of your candies brushed off your hair and you hadn’t washed your hair that day and then you ate it? Horrific. So I find these shoes mildly … compelling. Like Made in Chelsea and reality TV programmes about gruesome surgery. I would put them on my bathroom cabinet.