I know, I KNOW, it’s not a popular opinion, but spring/summer is, hands down, my least favourite season. In theory, it should be wonderful – all those bright colours, fun florals and cute retro swimwear – but in reality Ireland barely sees the sun, I miss my tights (for the two weeks in which I actually ditch them) and I seriously loathe the body pressure that comes with the shedding of layers. What’s that I spy? Hotpants? Teeny tiny strappy sandals for which even my feet need to go on a diet? Cutesy canvas bags that won’t survive a single rain shower? Thanks, but no thanks.
1. Strappy sandals
Oh, how delightful! Summer is here and therefore I must get out my legs and, worse, my feet, and attempt to balance on tiny un-chunky heels while I “channel Céline” in my single-sole, three-tone minimalist sandals. Children, no. I am very lucky because I happen to have almost perfect feet, with each toe the correct size and non-curly toenails, but still, I have no desire to get them out at every opportunity. These babies are beautiful – you’re only seeing them after three drinks and a three-course dinner. At the very least. And don’t even get me started on those intensely unflattering ankle straps.
2. Canvas bags
Who has the time? (Not to mention all that rustling – so not chic.)
Ah, the tote bag. Who can we blame for the proliferation of the tote bag, elevated from its status as messages-carrier to “chic, girl-about-town” accessory? Listen up: tote bags are for the shopping, and there is no amount of money or “treatment” or print that you can throw at a tote bag that will convince me otherwise. I won’t even be swayed on this matter if you spend €1,000-plus on it, like Poppy here (just chilling by the pool, holding on to her bag for dear life so it doesn’t get robbed by those watch-sellers). For us Irish, tote bags make even less sense. I read a piece of advice once that recommended lining your tote bags with plastic bags, less the contents get wet. Who has the time? (Not to mention all that rustling – so not chic.)
I remember when Juicy Tubes were the thing – everyone who’s anyone owned one, and I swear I put enough on to feed a small African country (these things taste like food, trust me) before going to Wesley as a nipper. I mean, ahem, a young teen. Because what matte lipstick is to winter (French, cool, classic elegance) lipgloss is to summer (American, young, carefree), and what matte lipstick is to your hair (nothing really), lip gloss is to superglue. Meaning? There is not a hair on your body that won’t find its way to your lips and stick there, in a terrifying odd to a 1970s horror movie. Avoid.
4. Pastel nail polish
Oh sure, the internet does a great job of making pastel nail polish look good. Behold! It’s spring! Let’s ditch the dark talons and go for light, ice-cream shades! In reality, pastel nail polish is a bit like coloured Tipp-ex, and its application is no better. Think a chalky finish with more streaks than you’d get from following a YouTube contouring tutorial. And another word to the wise: pasty Irish skins do not suit pastel tones. They just don’t. Everything appears washed out and pallid, like Billy Roll. Just like Billy Roll.
5. The bikini body (top pic)
You know the one, that mythical “body” you’re going to miraculously discover after 17,000 gruelling days in the gym following a semi-Vegan paleo diet wherein you only eat carbs before 8am and avoid all sugars, including fruit sugars. Well listen up: we all have a body. Some of us have bikinis. If you put your bikini on your body, you have a bikini body – or, to be grammatically accurate, a body in a bikini (or a bikini on your body). You don’t need to do anything to achieve said body, other than put a bikini on it. If you ask me, spring/summer is, like Jessie Pavelka, just another form of fat-shaming dressed up in a pretty package.