There comes a time in Vanessa Paradis’ every woman’s life when she has to take a long hard look at the man she’s with. What once seemed like a charming quirk, has now grown into an embarrassing nuisance on a man of advancing years.

Sure, she liked him in his younger, one chain-wearing days. He was a bad boy then, and the world wanted him. But then, as his jewellery collection grew, he began to commandeer her ring tree as his own and as the constant demands for trips to Accessorize became unreasonable and demanding, unease set in.

One day she took a long hard look at all the shite hanging off him and decided that enough was enough. And that, Frillseekers, is the real root cause of the split between Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis. True story*.

Here we chart his demise in pictures, and show how he always had tendencies towards horrible adornment choices.

 

*Probably.

Lissen Johnny, lissen. You can try to distract us with those puppy dog eyes, and eh, that PUPPY, but you can't hide the fact the accessorising started early. WE CAN SEE THE TWO WATCHES, DUDE.

Circa 21 Jump Street, he was growing into the man-cessoriser he'd become. Testing the water with one necklace, soon there'd be more. Very soon.

SEE. The brooding begins, along with it native-inspired charms, hairwrap-esque shite and fringed suede.

If he was a bar of chocolate, sure he'd lick himself, and his skull rings.

Defies logic and rational explanation.

IT'S WELL YOU MIGHT LOOK PUZZLED, JOHNNY.

That's some quare amount of geegaws you've got on that wrist, sir.

Ah would you here, Johnny. Hat, fabric- and leather-wrapped wrists, necklaces, belt chains ... do you just go about the house picking up stuff with which to adorn yourself?

Probably pondering the meaning of life. And his next trip to Accessorize.

Gandalf ain't got nuttin' on you.

Coco Chanel once said, "before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off." Johnny's either never heard of Coco Chanel or he doesn't own a mirror.

Ah Amber, it was dead nice of you to bring your granda to the Met Ball. Super sound.

What? What's that? It's Johnny Depp? OH right, sorry! Jesus ... scarlet for you.