Pic: zahra-salsa.blogspot.com

Seven plus years of beauty editing have brought a lot of products and their associated claims to my attention; and um, sometimes (a lot of the time) those claims are a little on the imagination-stretching side of things.

Here’re 15 I’ve heard, oh, way too many times to count.

  1. “This ingredient can moisturise down to five layers deep in the skin.” Soon I anticipate there will be a product to moisturise my very skeleton.
  2. “We discovered this wonder ingredient when a man in the Andes was working with it/a woman in China was harvesting silkworms/a man on the moon was eating green cheese/ and they all noticed that, even though they were like craggy ancient hags, they had the hands of toddlers. OMG IT’S SO AMAZING.” Wow, I have never heard this story before, how on earth did you come up with it?
  3. “This ingredient sinks into your skin and goes into the cells and then makes you look really young. How? Oh, um… they’ve got really good scientists in the labs. “ HMMM.
  4. “This is Botox in a bottle.” No, it isn’t.
  5. “We’ve put so much collagen into this so it’s just soooo good for skin plumping and you’ll see such a difference.” Amazing, I love that idea except for the fact that the collagen molecule is too big to penetrate the skin, so it just sits there doing sweet shag all. Boourns.
  6. “This ingredient has NEVER been used in any product ever. We’re the first!” Ok, I’m willing to accept you’re so poor at your job that you didn’t do a simple Google (or God forbid, you want to try to fool me), but I can think of three competitor products with the same ingredient. Try. Harder.
  7. “This will actually fix split ends.” NO IT WON’T.
  8.  “This serum can fix damaged DNA!” Holy shit. Someone call Monsanto.
  9. “Our retinol product, which we have packaged in a clear glass pot, is super-active and best-in-class.” Don’t make me laugh. Any effects it may have will be long gone thanks to exposure to light, air, grubby fingers and bacteria before I get anywhere near the end of the pot.
  10. “This amazing facecloth is all you need for amazing skin.” O RLY. Seeya at the dermatologist’s office.
  11. “This product is totally natural!” The ingredient list contains a whiff of a plant extract.
  12. “This amazing eye cream will totes banish your dark circles!” Nah, it won’t, because dark circles are caused by circulatory issues to do with veins, and not tiredness. It might help with puffiness though.
  13. “Our product will get rid of cellulite.” Again, nope. It may have ingredients that help to stimulate blood flow, which might help budge toxins, but most likely it’s the associated massage you’re also advocating that’ll be doing the work.
  14. “This anti-ageing face cream will show results in one week.” I call bullshit and I bet your wonder anti-ager is really just a super hydrator that’s packed full of hyaluronic acid to plump skin and silicone to smooth. Of course skin looks smoother – but long term, are there benefits? I’m betting not.
  15. “Our eye cream can actually brighten the under eye area.” Yes, because it’s got a tint and brightening pearls so it’s basically just makeup. Well done.

Got one I haven’t mentioned? Drop it below!