Fashion wisdom would have us thinking there are certain things that can never, ever – without exception – work. That doesn’t mean, of course, that people don’t try; after all, these deeply troubling trends wouldn’t exist in our consciousness (and oh, how I wish they didn’t) if we hadn’t seen them cropping up somewhere.
Unsure to what I refer? Think wedge trainers; denim dungarees or, worse, overalls; the scouse brow (which is forgiven because it brought us the HD Brow, which is amazing); the super-sized handbag; the heel-less high heel… I could go on.
But instead I’m going to bring you the top five trends that we’ve long been consigning to the scrap heap but which, instead, we should embrace with open arms.
Things I will never accept include Mom jeans, flatforms, nude heels, camouflage and furry Birkenstocks. But ultimately, the moral is: don’t believe anything us fashion writers tell you – we’re bound to do a total 180 on it at some stage, and then you’ll be glad you kept that tattoo choker.
The Wild West
This is Isabel Marant's doing, and though I do enjoy a nifty pair of cowboy-inspired ankle boots, and like seeing other people wearing fringed clothing (although draw the line at purchasing it for myself), it is not enough to forgive her for wedge trainers. Still: her Dicker boots have spawned a thousand copies, of which my faves reside in Buffalo. Run, don't walk.
Sheer black tights
For years, the only acceptable form of black tights were like molten velvet: thick, opaque and definitely not glossy. Penneys even started doing 200 denier, for crying out loud, and we all cried tears of shame when we spotted mammy's stash of near black 40 denier sheer luxes. But now? Like so much else, we have Alexa Chung to blame for this one - now both sheer and opaque are totally acceptable. Vive la choice!
Ah, lurex, the fabric of 1980s Christmas party season. For a time, it was all you'd find down the back of your local charity shop: stretchy glittery lurex dresses, all the better to freeze to death in during Irish December. Well, they haven't got much warmer - but ASOS is mos def spearheading a revival, in the form of this pleated midi dress. We could see this working in January over tights (sheer or opaque, natch) and under a chunky knit.
It's unfortunate for Juicy Couture that the revival of the tracksuit came hot on the heels of JC's own fall from grace - all it took was for a few hipsters to dig out their three-stripe pants and we were all legging it to the nearest Lifestyle Sports. I am hoping that Adidas's revived tracksuits - all laser prints and bright colours - will knock the wind out of Nike, who are currently dominating the sports-casual market in a serious way. (I'm very concerned about these things due to my sports-clothing addiction, which I have embraced in the hope of it leading on to a sports addiction. Any day now.)